[Don't worry if it's your first time] Complete guide to funeral offering etiquette! Explanation of the amount, how to write it, etc.

Introduction

In the past, it was common for mourners to personally bring offerings such as rice and vegetables to funerals.

However, in modern times, the bereaved family prepares everything necessary for the funeral, and it is common for mourners to give a cash gift called "koden."

The condolence money was for the incense.

The origin of the word "koden" comes from the custom of giving a fee for incense in exchange for offering incense.

In other words, a condolence gift is money offered in lieu of incense to the soul of the deceased.

Similarly, in Shinto ceremonies, cash is given as a gift called "tamagushiryo" or "sakakiryo," while in Christian ceremonies, cash is given as a gift called "onkaryo."

In modern times, regardless of religion, any cash offered before the deceased is called "koden," and its meaning has expanded.

On the other hand, "offerings" refer to items and flowers that are placed in front of the spirit of the deceased, and there are no specific rules. It is common to give things that the deceased liked as a personal token of one's feelings.

When giving a condolence gift, it is customary to wrap it in a fukusa (paper bag).

The inscription varies depending on the deceased's religion.

The inscription on the condolence money envelope varies depending on the religion of the deceased.

In Buddhism, common terms include "incense fee" and "offering fee," in Shinto, "tamagushi fee" and "sacred offering fee," and in Christianity, "flower fee" and "mass fee."

If you are not sure of the religion, you can write "Goreizen" or "Goryo." "Goreizen" in particular is a versatile word that can be used in any religion.

Many people often confuse it with "Gobutsuzen", but "Gobutsuzen" is generally used for memorial services after the 49th day, and is not used when giving incense money.

Additionally, commercially available condolence envelopes with lotus flower patterns are only used for Buddhist ceremonies.

When wrapping a condolence gift, be sure to check the deceased's religious beliefs in advance and choose an inscription that matches them.

Inscriptions used on condolence gifts

Incense offering (Okouden)	In a Buddhist funeral, a gold envelope is offered to the deceased.
Incense offering (Okoden)	Originally, the correct spelling of "koden" should be "koden." "Den" means to offer incense to the deity, and refers to a ceremony to prepare for the deity.
Fragrances	Buddhist style. Money is offered instead of incense. It is used in the same way as "Gokoden". It can be used by any Buddhist sect.
My condolences	Buddhist ceremony. Money and gifts given by friends and acquaintances to visit the bereaved family at the wake.
Goreizen	This is an inscription used at all funerals, whether Buddhist, Shinto, or Christian, for incense money or offerings.
Goreizen	Buddhist style. Used in the same way as "Goreizan".
Offering of sacred offerings	This is the most common inscription in Shinto funerals. Instead of offering tamagushi in front of the deceased's spirit, this money is offered to the altar.
Onsakaki gift	An inscription that can be used in Shinto ceremonies, similar to tamagushi offerings.
Flowers	Christian style. In Catholicism, the inscription "Mass fee" is also used.

*The Mizuhiki colors are black and white, double silver, double white, or blue and white.

Mizuhiki used in incense offerings

Buddhist	Black and white knot
Shinto	Silver/Black and White Knot
Christian	Use a white envelope

Amount of the condolence money

The amount of the condolence money should be decided taking into consideration your relationship with the deceased and your position in the life.

If you're unsure, pack a little more than you need, as you're less likely to regret it later.

New bills are OK

In the past, the common idea was to use new bills for happy occasions and old bills for sad occasions, but in recent years the idea that old bills must always be used for sad occasions has disappeared.

However, since banknotes that are too old are considered rude, it was previously common to fold new banknotes before using them.

However, nowadays there is no need to be so strict, and if you cannot find a relatively clean old bill, new bills will be fine.

When it comes to monetary amounts, odd numbers are generally preferred. Numbers like 4 and 9 are generally avoided as they are considered unlucky.

Estimated amount of condolence money

Workplace-related	3,000-10,000 yen
Grandparents	10,000-50,000 yen
parents	50,000-100,000 yen
Brothers and sisters	20,000-50,000 yen
Uncles and Aunts	10,000-30,000 yen
Other relatives	10,000-20,000 yen
Family members of company employees	5,000 yen
Business Relationships	5,000 yen
Friends and their families	5,000-10,000 yen
Neighbors/neighborhood	3,000-10,000 yen
others	5,000 yen

Choose a condolence envelope that matches your religion and the amount of the gift

The type of condolence envelope used to wrap the incense offering will vary depending on the religion of the funeral.

Condolence envelopes with lotus flower designs are used exclusively for Buddhist ceremonies, while special envelopes with a cross pattern are used for Christian ceremonies.

As explained earlier, the inscription also differs depending on the religion.

However, funerals are often urgent, so you don't need to worry about strict etiquette like you would with a wedding. If you don't know the religion, you can just prepare a standard condolence envelope with the words "Goreizen" written on it.

The type of condolence envelope you use will vary depending on the amount.

If the amount is less than 5,000 yen, a standard condolence envelope with mizuhiki printed on it is fine, but if it is over 10,000 yen, it is better to choose a condolence envelope with mizuhiki, and if it is over 30,000 yen, it is better to choose a condolence envelope with a slightly larger, more luxurious look.

Bring the condolence money wrapped in a fukusa

When bringing a condolence gift, it is proper to wrap it in a fukusa (paper wrapper) or a condolence wrapping cloth. Do not carry it exposed.

Taking the remains directly from your pocket or bag may be disrespectful to the deceased.

Be sure to bring it wrapped in a funeral fukusa or a small furoshiki in gray, navy blue, green, or purple.

The fukusa represents the intention to treat the condolence money with care and shows respect for the deceased.

We also have items that can be used for both happy and sad occasions, but please be careful when using them as the wrapping method is reversed.

What is "declining donations"?

If the bereaved family issues a notice declining donations, this means that they will not accept condolence money, offerings, or flowers.

You don't need to give anything.

On the other hand, if you decline offerings or flowers, you should only send an incense gift.

Simple questions about the gift

1. If I attend both the wake and the funeral, do I have to give an incense offering twice?

It is common to bring a condolence gift to either the wake or the funeral. If you are attending both, it is fine to bring it to just one of them.

Whether it is more common to bring it to the wake or the funeral seems to vary considerably depending on the region.

If you are unsure which place to bring it to, it is safest to bring it to the wake.

If you bring it to the wake, you will only need to sign the book at the funeral, and adding a comment such as "I also attended the wake" will not be considered rude to the bereaved family.

2. Is it okay to bring a condolence gift when paying my respects?

It is not considered rude to bring a condolence gift when attending a wake or funeral.

When paying your respects, it is a considerate gesture to the bereaved family to simply offer words of condolence and bring the incense money at a later date, as this will be a busy time for them.

This is to avoid giving the bereaved family the impression that the funeral was "prepared in advance."

3. I was informed of the sudden unfortunate death of an acquaintance. I want to rush over to the funeral, but should I prepare a condolence gift?

When rushing to a funeral, it is important to express your condolences to the deceased and encourage the bereaved family. Therefore, it is most important to rush to the funeral.

It is not necessary to prepare a condolence gift. The bereaved family will likely understand if you convey that you rushed over to the funeral after hearing the sudden news of the death.

In fact, it may give the impression that you took a lot of time to prepare the condolence money.

Regarding clothing, it is okay to not wear strict mourning attire. As long as you avoid bright colors and patterns and wear subdued clothing, it will not be considered rude.

4. What if I can't attend?

If you live far away or are unable to attend the funeral due to unavoidable circumstances, you can send a condolence gift by registered mail or ask a trusted person to attend on your behalf.

If you cannot attend the funeral in person, you can express your condolences to the deceased by sending a letter of condolence along with the incense offering or by sending a condolence telegram.

You can also visit the family at a later date and express your condolences once again.

During the funeral, the bereaved family will be very busy, so we recommend that you refrain from offering condolences over the phone and visit them again later when things have calmed down.

5. When I checked with my friend later, I found out that I was the only one who brought a small amount of condolence money to the wake, which left me feeling a bit uneasy.

If you are concerned about the small amount of condolence money you brought, it is a good idea to send flowers, offerings, incense, etc. at the 7th day and 49th day memorial services.

If you attend the funeral the next day, please refrain from bringing another condolence gift. This is considered rude and will bring about "double misfortune."

When sending a condolence gift by mail, please include a message of condolence.

If you are unable to attend the wake or funeral, send your condolence money by mail.

The gift is placed in a condolence envelope and sent by registered mail, but the amount and inscription should be the same as if you were to bring it in person.

Include a letter of apology and condolences for not being able to attend the funeral.

Condolence letter example

We would like to express our deepest condolences upon hearing of the passing of Mr./Ms. XX.

I am at a loss for words for the sudden and tragic news of Mr./Ms. XX. This happened so suddenly, and I can only imagine how sad the whole family must be.

(Write specific memories of the deceased here.)

We sincerely pray for the repose of Mr./Ms. ○○'s soul.

I would love to rush over to your funeral as soon as possible, but I regret that I cannot attend the funeral due to the distance. I have enclosed a small amount of incense as a token of my gratitude, so I would be grateful if you could offer it at the altar.

I know this must be difficult for you, but I hope you stay healthy. First of all, I would like to express my condolences in writing.

Sincerely,